Talking to your partner about money

When you share your life with someone, sharing honest conversations about money helps you both feel secure and work towards the same goals.

Money conversations are especially helpful when you’re:

• moving in together and sharing bills
• planning to have children
• buying a home
• thinking about retirement
• making any big financial decisions together.

Living together often means you can save money and reach your goals faster by sharing expenses and supporting each other.

Everyone has their own approach to money, and that’s perfectly normal.

You might be a careful saver while your partner prefers to spend and enjoy life now.

These differences come from your backgrounds and experiences.

What matters most is learning to work together, not changing each other.

Talk through these questions together to understand your different approaches:

• Do you prefer to save for the future or enjoy money today?
• How confident do you feel managing money?
• Do you like to plan spending or buy things spontaneously?
• How important is it to track what you spend?
• Are you comfortable talking about money?
• Do you ask for help with money decisions?

Setting goals together helps you both know what you’re working towards. This makes it easier to make spending decisions and stay motivated.

Your goals might include:

• saving for a holiday
• building an emergency fund
• buying a home
• planning for children
• preparing for retirement.

Life changes happen - like starting a family or changing jobs. Having shared goals means you’re prepared and can adjust your plans together.

You might love the same TV shows and share lots of interests, but talking about money can feel different.

Some people find money conversations emotional or stressful because of past experiences.

Here’s how to make money conversations easier:

Start with a simple budget covering the basics like rent, bills and food. Then talk about how to spend what’s left over. Include fun things you both enjoy - show that budgeting doesn’t mean giving up everything you like.

Put your fun money into a separate account. When it’s gone, it’s gone - no need for difficult conversations about spending.

Frame the conversation around what you want to achieve together, not who’s good or bad with money. This helps avoid anyone feeling judged or defensive.

If conversations feel difficult, it might help if you or your partner to speak to someone independent first:

• Find the ways we can help you on our Contact us page.
• For help with relationship concerns, you can visit you can visit RelateOpens in a new window
• Some workplaces provide services and benefits that offer support.

Big life changes like having a baby or losing a job can affect your finances. These changes are opportunities to work together as a team.

If you’re having a baby, these guides will be useful:

• What benefits can I claim when I’m pregnant or have a baby?
• Budgeting when you’re pregnant
• Baby costs calculator.

If you’ve been made redundant, these guides will be useful:

• Review your budget after a drop in income
• Making the most of your redundancy pay.

This can feel challenging, especially if the person earning less starts to feel guilty about spending money or dependent on their partner.

Here’s how to handle this positively:

• Make a new budget together that reflects your changed circumstances.
• Set new shared goals that work for your situation.
• Make sure any spending cuts affect both of you, not just the person earning less.
• Keep communicating openly about how you both feel.
• Focus on facts rather than emotions when discussing spending.

Talk about what matters most - maybe paying off high-interest debts comes first, or maybe you need to reduce some expenses for a while.

Remember, this is temporary and you’re working towards your shared goals.

If you have debt you haven’t told your partner about, the sooner you share this, the better.

Keeping it secret often makes the stress worse.

• Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted.
• Get all your paperwork ready so you can show the full picture.
• Be completely honest - it’s better to deal with everything at once.
• Be ready to answer questions about what happened and what your plan is.

Remember, hidden debt can affect both of your credit ratings if you have joint accounts or a mortgage together.

You can check if you’re linked financially by accessing you credit report, which is free to do.

It’s natural to feel upset, but try to focus on practical next steps.

Ask for all the details and consider contacting a debt advice charity together for free, impartial help.

Different incomes are common and manageable when you communicate openly about your needs and expectations.

• Decide on priorities together - maybe paying off high-interest debt comes first
• Set both short-term and long-term goals - from holidays to retirement
• Choose how to manage money - jointly, separately, or a combination
• Find a fair way to split expenses - this might not be 50/50 if incomes are very different

The key is finding an approach that feels fair to both of you and doesn’t create resentment.

If you suspect your partner has a gambling problem, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault.

Gambling addiction can seriously affect relationships and family finances.

You might notice your partner:

• being secretive about money or bank statements
• getting defensive when you ask about spending
• feeling unusually down or upset, especially after watching sports
• money disappearing from accounts with no explanation.

Gambling problems can put your family’s financial security at risk, including savings, credit cards, or even your home.

The important thing is to get support as soon as possible.

There’s lots of help available for both you and your partner.

Everyone deserves to have control over their own money. You have the right to financial independence.

Financial abuse happens when your partner:

• controls your money or spending
• runs up debts in your name
• stops you from working or being financially independent.

According to the charity Refuge, this affects one in five UK adults - you’re not alone. Financial abuse often happens alongside other forms of abuse.

If you’re in this situation, we understand that talking about money might put you at risk. Your safety comes first.

You don’t have to struggle with this alone. There are people who can help you safely.

If money problems are causing stress in your relationship, talking to someone outside your situation can help.

• RelateOpens in a new window - get a free 30-minute chat online with a trained relationship counsellor. If you want more sessions after this, the cost depends on what you can afford.
• Toucan appOpens in a new window - a free app made for couples to work through relationship issues together, including money conversations.

The NHS website has a tool that shows you what relationship counsellingOpens in a new window is available near you.

Some services are completely free, others ask for a small donation.

Relate NI can put you in touch with counsellors in your areaOpens in a new window

You can get counselling through:

• The Spark
• Relationships Scotland